Dealing with a Loss You Didn’t Know You Had

Photo by Kodama

A New Semester – A New Schedule

Second semester began on Monday here so it is quite obviously a busy time for us.  The school asked me to take on another class, teaching basketball as an elective (2 hours), so I’m up to 23 teaching hours each week.  And the basketball team that I am the coach of has grown from 14 players to 30 players, and I’ve brought on two assistant coaches: both expats here as well.  We split the team into two.  So we are sharing the coaching responsibilities for two teams now.  Like I said, a busy time for us.

Because it is such a busy time, getting used to my new teaching schedule and load, plus coaching responsibilities, we are trying out a new personal schedule to help us accomplish everything we need to.  Before, I would stay up after Jess went to bed for 2-3 hours preparing for the next day.  That time would never be terribly productive (too many cool computer distractions really) and Jess hated it because I was never with her in bed at night. I hated it for that reason too.  To try and rectify that problem, we inverted it a little. I am now going to bed with Jess at 9 pm and waking up at 3 am to plan until 6 am.

We are two days into the new schedule and I’ve already been super productive during those hours.  However, my body is not adjusted yet so my body is always three hours ahead of Jess’.

Anyways, all of that just to say that Jess & I haven’t had a lot of free time to just think and deal with our lives right now.  And recently, if you are following Jess’ personal blog over at Never A Minute Mine, you’d know that we have had some things to just think about and deal with in our lives.

An Unexpected Pregnancy

About five days ago, Jess came to me saying that she was feeling queasy (the same queasy that she felt at the beginning of her pregnancies with both Jeremiah and Silas).  This made us start to talk about the prospect of having another baby.

At first we were both kind of reluctant to be happy with the prospect, but as we talked and remembered our commitment to receiving whatever children the Lord would bless us with, we were encouraged. We even started talking codenames.  Jeremiah was Izzy (Izzy a boy or girl?), Silas was Jackson, and if we were to be pregnant again, the codename would be Charlie.

The next day, however, Jess came down with what seemed to be a “stomach bug”.  I figured it was caused by something she may have eaten last week when we went on our 36 hour vacation to the Taman Safari. However, she described it as not actually discomfort in her stomach, as it was just intense, periodic pain in that area.  She was in bed all day.  The next day, she was up and feeling a lot better.  The pain was all but gone.  What had replaced the pain was blood.  She was several weeks away from her next cycle, so this concerned us.

As we talked more and more, we’ve discovered that Jess was most likely pregnant.  Which blesses our heart.  But we do not think she is any longer.  Which, in this moment right now, tears mine apart.

An Unexpected Loss, but Hope from God’s Word

We’ve never had to deal with a miscarriage before.  You always know that it is possible, but you don’t really think about it so you’re not really prepared for it.  And this time, we had only realized the prospect of pregnancy for a mere two days.  We had not the time to be excited.  We had not the time to reflect.  We just had not the time.

We’re not sure how the Lord will provide for our needs in this situation, as we don’t know what our needs are just yet.  But He does, and He is faithful and just and always provides for the needs of His people.  And even before we come to the point that we can have mourning over what might have been or will never be, we have hope.  When Nathan came to King David and told him that his son that Bathsheba had bore him only days before would not live, David took to his knees in prayer, pleading with the Lord.  David believed that he could affect the Lord’s decision and he could.  But in this case, Nathan’s prophecy was true.  David’s child died.  Yet, when that moment came, David got off of his knees. The baby was dead.  What more could he do?  This was David’s response to those that asked of him:

While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” ~ 2 Samuel 12:22-23

You see, David trusted that despite his child not seeing a long life in this world, he would see life eternally with God and one day David would be reunited with him in Heaven.  We have that same trust.

All Life is Precious

From the moment a child is conceived, the Lord has breathed life.  Whatever size and at whatever age, what is inside the womb is a child and a soul. And should the Lord choose to take that child before they must suffer and experience this world, then that child has a greater blessing than I: for they are in the presence of the Lord.  That is where Charlie is.  He/she is with Him that could love them far beyond what we are capable.

But I do cry.  It would have been good to know them on this Earth.  Knowing my two boys now is the greatest thing in my life.  Yet, I look to that day when I too, like David, will be united in the heavenly places with the child I did not know and together we worship our Lord.

Amen

Related posts:

1. Stubborness + Helpfulness Does Not = Obedience
2. Breaking My Son’s Teeth
3. Now On Channel 17…Life.
4. As They Go…
5. Jeremiah, Where are You?